Newlywed Things

After being married for a whopping three months (cheer!), I have quite honestly learned a ton. I’m sharing these things because I believe the newlywed stage in a marriage is overlooked and written off as a time of intimate passion and puppy love, without any true and deep accomplishments. Tim and I have completed milestones in our first months of marriage! Here are a list of things I learned, advice, and things I would suggest other newlyweds do; they are in no order whatsoever.

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1. Don’t Fight in Front of People. Never thought I’d be offering this one up as advice, but hear me out. Argument is between you and your spouse; not you and your spouse and his brother (who’s going to side with him anyway and think you’re a crazy bee). Not only will waiting to talk things out give you both a chance to collect your thoughts and cool down, but it will force you to enjoy the rest of your outing together. Often times when we get to a point where we can discuss the problem, we realize it was dumb and unworthy of argument in the first place.

2. Talk About Sex. Intimacy doesn’t just happen. It’s not like the movies, where you both come crashing through the door every evening and onto the bed for another night of passion. Not that I’m against impromptu marital sex- I’m just trying to be realistic. The truth is, there are going to be a lot of times where you’re not in the same mood sexually. Who’s going to submit? The easiest way for the devil to get into your relationship is by using your sexual natures against each other. Talking about each others motives for the evening can stop an argument before it starts.

3. Do Things out of Submission. Don’t want to take the garbage out because you did it the last four times? Do it anyway. Don’t want to make him dinner because you’re still getting over last night’s argument? Do it anyway. The bottom line is that you are not serving your husband- you are serving Christ. Your marriage is far less about you and your spouse and far more about you and God. Do things unto Him.

4. Figure Out Your Love Languages. Yeah, yeah, you’ve heard it before. This is everyone’s favorite advice to give out to newlyweds- but for good reason. I have found that often the reason I am annoyed/upset with Tim is because he has not been honoring my love language of words of affirmation. Both of you need to make a conscious effort to honor each others’ needs. Accept that your spouse may have a need that you don’t have. Don’t know what I’m talking about? Read about them here

5. Create Notebooks. Tim and I have two notebooks together- one for writing love notes and one for prophetic words given to us by others. We just started these, so I don’t have much detail but I am already so excited to add to them and look back on our lives in the future. The love notes one is great because when we don’t see each other as much as we’d like, we can still connect in a tangible way. We wanted to do a notebook for prophetic words because they are powerful. I don’t want to trust in my awful memory to recall words of wisdom spoken over our marriage five years down the road- I want it in front of me where I can see it.

6. Complement, Not Complete. Sorry to burst your bubble, but your spouse is not made to be your ‘other half’. God is. While it may seem like you can’t live without them, you can. This may seem harsh but I honestly believe couples need to hear it. You cannot expect your spouse to give you everything you need, because they never will. God still needs to be your life-source, your comforter, your daddy. The moment you place your spouse in a higher position that Christ is the moment you will find endless faults in them because they will never give you the wisdom and love that God will. Your spouse is there to compliment you and aid you on your journey with the Creator of the Universe!

Feel free to leave feedback, I’d love to hear from you guys!

Like my photographer? I think she’s pretty great too.

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55 comments

  1. Vanessa Weigel · August 16, 2012

    YES YES YES!!! GOOD GOOD!

  2. Amber Puumala · August 16, 2012

    Awesome! Love the last one. So true!

  3. Natalie :] · August 17, 2012

    Very nicely put :] Just stumbled upon your blog through pinterest, and what I have read on here I will definitely remember while planning the rest of my wedding, and soon after becoming a newlywed. Keep up the good work! :]

  4. Joanna · August 17, 2012

    Ben and I have a book of thankfulness as well. A little journal that we write down things that we are thankful for. When He provides, when we are blessed, or even prayers we give to Him and then we will see the prayers answered later. (Even if its not the same way we thought/ wanted them to be answered in) Its in a special book so that later in life we can pass it on to our children so they can see what He has done for us and be blessed through it.

    • breathingloving · August 21, 2012

      I love that. I adore the idea of passing on written things to my children- especially during crucial times like beginnings of marriage and having children so that they can read about how our lives were and what was going on.

  5. Lady · August 17, 2012

    Such wisdom from such an early point in marriage. 🙂 Not to be a nitpick, but you mean complement not compliment. Compliment is when you say nice things about each other; also good in marriage, but not what you meant.

    • breathingloving · August 17, 2012

      Thank you! I will change that right away- I appreciate your nitpicking (: have a wonderful day!

  6. Lori Lynn · August 18, 2012

    I love this! My husband and I will have been married 3 months on 8/19/2012! I think the big one for us was learning Love Languages, or rather learning different dialects. We talk about things a lot, and that has made our first 3 months so much easier that I’ve always heard, at least in the area of getting along with each other. So glad I found your blog!

    comeplayhouse.blogspot.com

  7. Kelly · August 20, 2012

    Thank you. The last one is literally a direct answer to prayer in my own life. May He abundantly bless your marriage!

  8. Kristen Pangrazio · August 20, 2012

    This is so unbelievably refreshing you have no idea! A few months ago I started getting really overwhelmed and convicted about how the focus on “Christian” marriages has shifted, especially in the wedding planning and engagement phase. After a lot of thought and prayer I am deciding to start a wedding planning ministry with the foundation of honoring God through not only marriages, but through weddings. It is so easy for the bride to get carried away and then for the couple to lose track of how important it is for their wedding to reflect their marriage.

    The ministry will help the couple TOGETHER walk through how they can use their budget in a God honoring way to put together a beautiful ceremony that resembles God’s union with the church. If anyone is interested in more information on the ministry, PLEASE let me know. I am so excited to get started and have so many ideas, but like any start up I need a few couples to take a chance on me to build some credibility 

    Kristen.pangrazio@gmail.com

    • breathingloving · August 21, 2012

      Thank you very much for your feedback!

      Your ministry idea sounds fantastic, I’m sure couples will swarm at the opportunity! I know Tim and I would have loved something like that when we were engaged. I will pray for you and wish you much success!

      • Kristen Pangrazio · August 21, 2012

        Thank you!!! I am really excited about it 🙂

  9. sara · August 22, 2012

    this is amazing. these are not just great marrital tips but life tips as well. its nice to see other amazing christian women out there. 🙂

  10. Amanda · August 22, 2012

    I found your blog through Pinterest-what great tips! I’ve been married a little over a year and am still learning how to be a better wife and ways to make our marriage strong. It’s so important to start with a good foundation. How blessed you are to understand these things now as you begin your marriage!

  11. Callie · August 23, 2012

    I love this! In our current world, so many of us often lose focus on the true meaning of a relationship. Keeping God first and then each other makes for such lovely a harmony. Thank you for sharing your blog!

  12. Tabitha · August 25, 2012

    I like how these reminders aren’t “spiritualized” but, in fact, still lead to more Christ like behavior. Sometimes we’re on a different page from our spouse spiritually… so instead of trying to coordinate our relationship to be more like Christ, these ideas lend more toward ORIENTING our lives toward Christ. Small, but noticeable differences that lead us closer to Him in how we treat each other.

  13. Kristen · August 26, 2012

    This is great advice (except #2!) even for someone like me, who has been dating my guy for five years. Thank you.

  14. Holly · August 27, 2012

    I’m almost 5 years married now, and I KNOW I did not have this much wisdom as a newlywed – so first off – you go girl! Secondly, I think this is advice that EVERYONE needs to hear. Most of it could apply to a couple of any number of years of marriage. I see too many couples whose loves and lives are crippled by the lack of submission and respect shown by wives to their husbands. Women – you have more control than you think over him – in a good and godly way. Use your words wisely, to build up and not tear down. I love number 3 – do it anyway.

  15. Naomi Tawney · August 27, 2012

    Great read! I really loved it and you have great wisdom. If it is not too forward of me I would really like to add one that has been huge for my husband and mines 4+ year marriage: the importance of coming together in prayer together and spending time together in the word. While yes both of us have our own separate quiet times, I love so much when we come together before our Father. You are able to hear how God is speaking to your other half and it is truly a special time. Just thought I might throw that in there. Blessings 🙂

  16. Angiebelle · September 4, 2012

    I think you simply need to love and accept a partner as who they are – which will always be less than perfect, because nobody in this universe is perfect. And this will lead to fulfillment, happiness and empathy for your partners needs. I would rather put the person I am in love with before God, because love is the most beautiful thing in the world.

    • breathingloving · September 4, 2012

      Love IS the most beautiful thing in the world- because it is from God (: He is love. He is life. He is ETERNAL, unlike humans and anything on Earth or in the universe. Bless you!

  17. Rebekah · September 5, 2012

    Very good. Thanks for sharing.

  18. Kathy · September 7, 2012

    As someone who has been happily married for 28 years, I am so impressed by what you have already figured out about marriage. Good stuff!

  19. Jordan · September 8, 2012

    Great advice, I wrote these down for my fiance (also named Tim :] ) and I to refer to once were married. Glad to be getting a heads start to having a better marriage! :] Thank you for sharing!

  20. ange · September 12, 2012

    Great great post! Found this on Pinterest and so glad I did. My husband and I are very passionate about marriage, we try to blog about marriage once a week. We took the summer off but will be starting back up again. Your words are spot on! Would love to share this on your marriage series sometime. Thank you for the being real!

  21. Maddie B · September 13, 2012

    Perfect, thank you ❤

  22. Lovelyne · September 14, 2012

    Amen!!! I’m not Even Married but ill keep this in mind when when I am 🙂

  23. LadyBug · September 20, 2012

    I’m not married but this is great! thank you for sharing 🙂

  24. Dawn · October 3, 2012

    I’ve been married for just shy of 23 years and your wisdom is powerful!!! You will be truly blessed by following these principles. :0)

  25. Sophie · October 7, 2012

    Great going for such a newly wed!

    I wanted to share my tips from 9 years of marriage….

    It’s always better to say “I like it when you do ….” than to criticise how they’re doing something (in the bedroom or just doing household chores).

    Don’t sweat the small stuff – as you say, only Christ is perfect, so if they don’t make sandwiches EXACTLY like your Mum taught you to do (for example!) guess what, it doesn’t matter.

    As part of submitting, learn to do some things just the way HIS mum does them. I fold my husband’s T-shirts “the right way”. And my own just they way I want. I use the laundry powder he likes too.

    Be silly! Skip, go on the swings, quote your fave films at each other, whatever makes you laugh.

    Don’t over-commit to church stuff and under-commit to your marriage. Make sure you have enough time in your week just as a couple. Don’t feel bad about not going to a prayer meeting, music group rehearsal or whatever; you need to look after your marriage, and sometimes that means making time for each other. As a couple you’ll know if you need one night a week to yourselves or four, just remember that your church family committed to supporting your marriage and shouldn’t mind that occasionally you put it first.

    Hope those help. After 9 years my husband and I can stil honestly say BEING MARRIED IS BRILLIANT!

  26. vividdailydose · October 9, 2012

    This was a awesome post I’m engaged to be married spring 2013 thanks for the awesome God centered advice! To God be the glory!!!

  27. bb · October 10, 2012

    I found this post through Pinterest – you’re so spot on! I got married on 4/28/12, so a grand spanking 3-ish weeks before you, and I applaud you for throwing out the things you’ve already learned! Sometimes I feel like women who’ve been married much longer don’t want to listen to us newlyweds because we “don’t know anything”, or our “marriage will change after a few years”, but I think that’s their loss.

    I completely agree with everything you said, and have also been learning these exact things in my short 6 months of marriage. I can’t wait to see what else God has for me to learn!

    Wishing you many happy, God-centered years with your hubby!

  28. Amanda · October 24, 2012

    I LOVE these! great job! As someone married for 5 years -I would add “move!” and I don’t just mean out of your* parents basement! I mean move to a different city, state, country-wherever! 99.9% of my marriages’ arguments (in the first 4 years) were caused by “leave and cleave” issues. Even the most respectful Inlaws can be prying and meddlesome at times if you live in the same town. When “leave and cleave” issues are not properly addressed with each set of inlaws it can lead to boundary issues. I am still happily married, but it took moving the entire way around the world to achieve marital privacy and family boundaries, that could have been addressed in the first couple of months of marriage. I say this in hopes that other couples can learn from our mistake. Good luck! I wish you a happy and healthy marriage!

  29. Amanda · October 30, 2012

    As a newlywed of just over two months myself, I’m still in the process of learning a LOT of things. These are some great points that aren’t always easy to follow but make a big difference if you do. Thanks for posting this!

  30. Dinah Haynea · October 30, 2012

    It’s great that you mentioned a book to write love notes in. I just started one a month ago. Nathan and I will be married a year one month from tomorrow! It was the longest we would have been away from each other, I was going home to PA to visit my family, and I decided to write a love note for him every day that I was going to be away. I would tell him I hopes he had a wonderful day and that I loved him and something that I loved a bought him. I also had a few day where I would hide something that he loved ( fruit snacks, a pack of cards, mints, cookies, ect. ) and tell him where to look for it 🙂 I want to keep up with the love notes so we can look back on them in 20+ years or when we are mad at each other and we will remember how much we love each other.

  31. Danielle · November 1, 2012

    Great advice! I’m getting married in 57 days, and we were just talking about our love languages today 🙂

  32. Mary Hoover · November 10, 2012

    this is great advise, even thought provoking, even for me, though i hope to be engaged soon, it’s all in his hands, but mostly in His hands, i’m encouraged by this list, though i’ve heard at least half of them elsewhere, actually #6 i heard straight from my boyfriend. there are many profound points in your list that should heard by dating couples and even singles everywhere, because if we all need to realize the truths about marriage and most importantly the relationship(s) therein the threefold cord in Proverbs that is not easily broken.. can also be directed toward the Husband, Wife, and God.

  33. Lauren · November 11, 2012

    So I’m an atheist and I found this post via Pinterest. I was originally going to share it on my “I’m an atheist getting married” Tumblr with a comment such as, “Why would we want anyone to get between us?”

    Then I read it.

    While I, of course, disagree with all the “god” things, this is still very good advice overall and I can’t say otherwise. While I disagree with some of the wording–“submission” is problematic to me, for example; and the entire description of the last point had me rolling my eyes a bit–the points themselves are very good.

    Do things because you love each other and you can’t expect someone else to complete you. Communication about all things is good, and I love the idea of keeping journals to communicate what you might forget. (I often describe myself as a goldfish because of my bad memory.) Keep the personal personal; though I would caution against letting this get into secretive, abusive relationships.

    While love languages often get caught up with the religious or spiritual, I think that’s unfair. I’ve known of them for a long time and I do believe they’re a psychological truth. I show my love for others by giving them physical gifts or favors and I feel love from others when I receive the same in return. Words of affirmation or physical touch don’t read as much to me as they do to my fiancee, so I have to make an effort to know how he reads love and give him what he needs, as well as responding appropriately when he shows me love in a language that isn’t native to me.

    I would encourage you (based on me reading nothing else by you ever that I’m aware of) to expand your thought of what makes a good Christian marriage into what makes a good marriage overall. I think you have a very good starting point here and an insight into what makes people tick.

    I don’t have a good closing for this very long comment so I’ll end with this. Kudos.

  34. Annie · December 19, 2012

    Compliment, not complete. Wisest words I’ve read all day. thank you.

  35. Rachel · December 24, 2012

    Hey Molly!
    I found your blog through a Pinterest pin & i just wanted to thank you for it! I got married this past summer in June and I love the advice you have given and being able to relate to things that your are saying. Being a newlywed is wonderful, but i have learned a lot through being married! Something I would also add is the importance of praying daily for your marriage and for your spouse. God is so powerful and He can do so many great things in a marriage, especially one that honors Him and is daily seeking wisdom from Him. Thank you again for this post!

  36. Giggles · January 7, 2013

    I love #6. I’ve struggled with wondering if my fiancé was the right man for me because he wasn’t my everything. But as you said God is my everything and my fiancé “compliments” me in the best ways. This was a great reminder of who God has placed in my path and why.

  37. april brumm · January 12, 2013

    thank you for posting! i just found this from pinterest… i have to ask that curious question i’m sure you’ve been asked but can’t find it on your blog… did you spell the name of your blog like that on purpose? does it mean something spelled like that? i’m just curious.. sometimes in blogland there are many spellings of common words and it usually carries some hidden meaning. just wondering. thanks! love your hair!

  38. Ivey Perkins · January 25, 2013

    WOW, I’m not married yet. But my boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 years now. Pursuing purity is extremely difficult (As you could imagine how the devil SO wants us to fall!) I’ve had someone tell me recently “The devil will do everything in his power to get you to have sex before marriage and will do everything in his power to get you to not have sex after marriage.” Whic ties along with your essay. After reading your #6, I feel like God wanted me to hear that! Thank you

  39. Pingback: 24 – What Knits Us Together ‹‹ The Life of Jillian Lane
  40. RachelHaden · February 5, 2013

    This is wonderful advice! Great things to learn and practice! Thank you for sharing!

  41. housewifeparttime · February 11, 2013

    I love your advice!!!
    Also, some I’ve found is
    Have a date night at home atleast once a week! You him dinner, movie, cute bra’s and undies 🙂 it will help both of you get excited about alone time … 😉
    Also, pray together EVERY NIGHT! And when you r scared! It will help you both to understand your place in marriage .. for example. My husband prays for financial blessing but I look to him for that cause he is THE MAN IN THE HOUSE, but he don’t supply my god does. Also we pray when I’m scared so he understands I look to god for protection.
    Enjoy everytime you go out. When tyler and I first got together going to walmart was a sweat pants kinda trip, but as time has gone on I look at every outing as a date. I put make up on and dress cute just to go to the red box with my sweetheart!

  42. Angeline · February 24, 2013

    Thanks so much for sharing, the notebook idea is a great piece of advice that I will DEFINITELY be doing.

    Thanks again & may God continue to bless you both.

    Angeline❤

  43. Ashley · March 14, 2013

    I’m getting married in October and your advice has been taken to heart by me; I’ve been trying and trying to find good articles and books about Christ Centered marriages and this post was wonderful!

  44. iyccreations · March 27, 2013

    Absolutely beautiful! I am going to repost this on my IYC Creations Facebook page. I believe this will help many couples. I pray God continues to bless your marriage and allow you to share your encouragement with the world!

  45. Aly · November 5, 2013

    What a great list! I am only 7 months into my marriage, so I am learning some of the very same things. Thank you for sharing 🙂

  46. Rachael · July 16, 2014

    WOW!! I really needed this right now! Especially the last one. Thanks so much!

  47. Kristina · September 4, 2014

    This is really great advise! I have been married three years and after reading this I still see areas I need to work in. You bring things out like I have never thought about them….. made me see taking out the garbage in a whole new light lol thank you for sharing this!

  48. mandyvolpe · December 22, 2014

    Reading Love Languages before getting married during our Pre-marital counseling was a game changer for us!! Great advice.

  49. alexandriaclark23 · January 12, 2015

    That was great! As a newlywed my self (3 weeks and a day) – it’s wonderful to read insight from someone a little further down the road from us that I can still relate to!

  50. Berenis · June 3, 2015

    Awesome tips… May God bless you and Tim…. From Panamá

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